Sunday, September 09, 2007
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
A lesson in business
Father: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done!!
Son: "I will choose my own bride!"
Father: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son: "Well, in that case...ok"
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates: "But my daughter is too young to marry!"
Father: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case...ok"
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President: "But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!"
Father: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President: "Ah, in that case...ok"
This is how business is done!!
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Most Embarrassing Ones
There was a World wide survey of " Most Embarrassing Moment in human life"
and the final three incidents are .... *
Third Place *
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a
romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the
telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a
piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we
didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!".
My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends
were standing there ! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state
of shock and embarrassment ! for what seemed like an eternity. Since then,
no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again. *
Second Place (a lady) *
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some
pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee(dick) last night!". The silence was
deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what
they were doing ! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the
bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed
behind me were the screams of laughter.
And the Winner Is..... *
First place*
This one actually happened at HarvardUniversity in October last year. In a
biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in
semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I
understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as
in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add much
statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then
why doesn't it taste sweet?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst
out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly
what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books
without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned. However, as
she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally
straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because
the taste-buds ! for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the
back of your throat! "
and the final three incidents are .... *
Third Place *
It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my
parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a
romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the
telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a
piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we
didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs,
the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!".
My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends
were standing there ! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state
of shock and embarrassment ! for what seemed like an eternity. Since then,
no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again. *
Second Place (a lady) *
While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some
pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of
her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I
told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be
punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as
threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I
saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee(dick) last night!". The silence was
deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what
they were doing ! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the
bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed
behind me were the screams of laughter.
And the Winner Is..... *
First place*
This one actually happened at HarvardUniversity in October last year. In a
biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in
semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I
understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as
in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add much
statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then
why doesn't it taste sweet?". After a stunned silence, the whole class burst
out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly
what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books
without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned. However, as
she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally
straight-faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because
the taste-buds ! for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the
back of your throat! "
Fuzzy Future
An excerpt from Emcee's (Business World) diary exactly 50 years from now
Ahmedabad, 30 April 2056: I attended the bash at the IIM-OBC Alumni Association to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of the reservation of seats for OBCs (Other Backward Castes) in IIMs. Since I'm not an OBC, I was not supposed to attend, but at present, we MBFCs (Moderately Backward Forward Castes) together with the Non-Scheduled Tribes have a political alliance with the OBCs. We sipped champagne and talked about how so many of us had progressed from reserved seats in the IIMs to reserved jobs to reserved promotions. Unfortunately, the party broke up when a Non-scheduled Tribes faculty member objected to the OBCs dancing with all the pretty girls — he wanted equal opportunities for every caste at each dance. I pointed out that the Non-scheduled Tribes had exceeded the quota of champagne reserved for them. The party ended in a pitched caste battle.
1) May 2056: Today, I became president of the IIM Board of Directors. Under the present rotating presidency system, a member of each caste is made the president by turn. When it was the turn of the MBFCs for president, they had to choose me because I'm the only MBFC on the campus. True, I'm only the campus dhobi, but then every caste must be given an equal opportunity. All those centuries of oppression by the OSBFCs (Only Slightly Backward Forward Castes) and the OFCs (Other Forward Castes) must be rectified. I hope to restore the high standards at IIM — I overheard some foreigners calling it the Indian Institute of Morons, the other day.
2) May 2056: They've announced the cricket team for the series against Australia. I was overjoyed when they chose an MBFC man as captain. But my hopes were dashed when I realised he was a Most Backward Forward Caste and not a Moderately Backward Forward Caste. The selection committee lamented that it was gross discrimination that no member from the Jarowa tribe (the Stone Age tribe in the
Andamans) had ever found a place in the Indian cricket team. A squad has since been dispatched to the Andamans to capture a Jarowa tribal to play in the national team. I hope he will improve their performance — they had an innings defeat against the Maldives recently. I would have played myself except for the fact that I lost a leg some years ago when I was in hospital with a toothache and a doctor recruited through the Unscheduled Caste quota extracted my leg instead of my tooth.
3) May 2056: There are too many NFCs (Neo-Forward castes) in the IT business. Under the terms of the Business Reservation Act, their firms will now be taken over by the other castes. I hope they will be able to restore the Indian IT industry back to its former glory. For some unfathomable reason, it has gone down the drain after job reservations were implemented. I went for a movie featuring star actor Mungeri Ram. He may lack teeth, be four-feet-three and have hair growing out of his nose, but this year it's the turn of the EBC-RYs (Extremely Backward Caste-Rural Yokels) to be stars and Mungeri Ram is the best of the lot. I wonder why foreign movies have become so popular.
4) May 2056: A truly great day. We now have an OFBMBC (Other Forward But Moderately Backward Caste) general as the Head of the Armed Forces. I hope he'll be able to win back the territory we lost ever since reservations were implemented in the Army. Since then, the north has been taken by Pakistan, the North-east by China, the east by Bangladesh and the south by Sri Lanka and the Maldives. Only last winter, we lost the war against Bhutan and free India is now limited to the western coastal states. But I'm sure the OFBMBC general will turn the tide.
5) May 2056: My wife and I have been blessed with a bonny daughter. Since my wife's an SBBNSBC (Slightly Backward But Not So Backward Caste), my daughter will be an MBFC-SBBNSBC. I must lobby for reservation for her caste. She's the only member and I'm sure she has a great future.
Ahmedabad, 30 April 2056: I attended the bash at the IIM-OBC Alumni Association to celebrate the fiftieth anniversary of the reservation of seats for OBCs (Other Backward Castes) in IIMs. Since I'm not an OBC, I was not supposed to attend, but at present, we MBFCs (Moderately Backward Forward Castes) together with the Non-Scheduled Tribes have a political alliance with the OBCs. We sipped champagne and talked about how so many of us had progressed from reserved seats in the IIMs to reserved jobs to reserved promotions. Unfortunately, the party broke up when a Non-scheduled Tribes faculty member objected to the OBCs dancing with all the pretty girls — he wanted equal opportunities for every caste at each dance. I pointed out that the Non-scheduled Tribes had exceeded the quota of champagne reserved for them. The party ended in a pitched caste battle.
1) May 2056: Today, I became president of the IIM Board of Directors. Under the present rotating presidency system, a member of each caste is made the president by turn. When it was the turn of the MBFCs for president, they had to choose me because I'm the only MBFC on the campus. True, I'm only the campus dhobi, but then every caste must be given an equal opportunity. All those centuries of oppression by the OSBFCs (Only Slightly Backward Forward Castes) and the OFCs (Other Forward Castes) must be rectified. I hope to restore the high standards at IIM — I overheard some foreigners calling it the Indian Institute of Morons, the other day.
2) May 2056: They've announced the cricket team for the series against Australia. I was overjoyed when they chose an MBFC man as captain. But my hopes were dashed when I realised he was a Most Backward Forward Caste and not a Moderately Backward Forward Caste. The selection committee lamented that it was gross discrimination that no member from the Jarowa tribe (the Stone Age tribe in the
Andamans) had ever found a place in the Indian cricket team. A squad has since been dispatched to the Andamans to capture a Jarowa tribal to play in the national team. I hope he will improve their performance — they had an innings defeat against the Maldives recently. I would have played myself except for the fact that I lost a leg some years ago when I was in hospital with a toothache and a doctor recruited through the Unscheduled Caste quota extracted my leg instead of my tooth.
3) May 2056: There are too many NFCs (Neo-Forward castes) in the IT business. Under the terms of the Business Reservation Act, their firms will now be taken over by the other castes. I hope they will be able to restore the Indian IT industry back to its former glory. For some unfathomable reason, it has gone down the drain after job reservations were implemented. I went for a movie featuring star actor Mungeri Ram. He may lack teeth, be four-feet-three and have hair growing out of his nose, but this year it's the turn of the EBC-RYs (Extremely Backward Caste-Rural Yokels) to be stars and Mungeri Ram is the best of the lot. I wonder why foreign movies have become so popular.
4) May 2056: A truly great day. We now have an OFBMBC (Other Forward But Moderately Backward Caste) general as the Head of the Armed Forces. I hope he'll be able to win back the territory we lost ever since reservations were implemented in the Army. Since then, the north has been taken by Pakistan, the North-east by China, the east by Bangladesh and the south by Sri Lanka and the Maldives. Only last winter, we lost the war against Bhutan and free India is now limited to the western coastal states. But I'm sure the OFBMBC general will turn the tide.
5) May 2056: My wife and I have been blessed with a bonny daughter. Since my wife's an SBBNSBC (Slightly Backward But Not So Backward Caste), my daughter will be an MBFC-SBBNSBC. I must lobby for reservation for her caste. She's the only member and I'm sure she has a great future.
Monday, June 05, 2006
Reservations- A Future Press Release
In a significant move today, Congress announced 50 % reservation for all Left Handed people in IITs/IIMs. Said a congress spokesman , "In 60 years of independence there has not been a single left handed CEO. It is time to set the system right " . This reservation will be over and above the existing reservations taking the total reservation to 99.73 %. In order to take care of the fractions, the government also announced an increase in the number of seats taking the total IIM seats to 1000.
The official bill would be signed soon by the PM's office ....with his left hand. Predictably, the Communist parties cheered this announcement saying that "We have been on the left for years and it is time the system is set right....I mean left....no Sorry ...I mean right....well may be left, AWW What the... any side will do as long it is not the American one" . This was a move which was long overdue and if the parliament had not held it's seasonal sessions throwing flower pots at each other, it would have been passed right back when V P Singh was still the prime minister and Lata Mangeshkar could actually still sing in the sonic frequency range. This move is not totally unexpected. Indeed before enjoying comparisons with another hugely popular figure , Homer Simpson, ex Prime Minister V P Singh had actually considered reservation for left handers but made it as a second priority as with it, it would have taken just too long to screw up a nation.
While fielding questions from the media at the press conference, the UPA government defended the decision saying that this reservation is not applicable for a creamy layer. It applies only to those who are born left handed and not those who are all left hands like Parthiv Patel. Also, this will exclude those left handers who think they are always right e.g Saurav Ganguly, Mahesh Bhatt etc. Amongst the first few bodies to react, the Left Handed Albino employees Union have welcomed this move saying that this move is the correct step on the direction to ensure quotas for the left handed Albino employees family members . For generations, they claimed that left handers have been oppressed by the right handers. There are many instances in history when the non left handed just came down with a heavy hand on the left just because they had the right. Many ancient Indian leaders like Akbar, Ashoka, Jyoti Basu etc were all right handed. The left handed were not given by due by the society to date that even 50 years after independence , there exist places in states like Bihar where the left handed are not even permitted to kidnap or kill people. Even traditionally, left handers were depicted by media as pure evil i.e. Ravi Shastri etc.
Political parties in the opposition have reacted differrently . BJP leaders promised to take a rath yatra first before visiting the issue. Jayalalitha promptly unveiled a statue of herself at the Meenakshi temple. Shiv Sena Supremos insisted that unless all Maharastrians were classified as left handed , he will ask his loyal Sainiks who numbered 7 at the time of going to the press, to burn a few trains( headed out of state). However if they are classified, the Shiv Sena will unlilaterally volunteer to restrict itself to looting shops belonging to right handers. TDP leaders announced a left handed technoclogy park and made a SWOT analysis and a statistical model about the impact of this move and announced the the formation of a sub commitee which will explore the advantages of making a powerpoint presentation using only the left hand. Dewe Gowda after a brief period of confusion in trying to differentiate between the right and the left , finally managed to get a few moments with the press and reacted , "What about the left handed farmers ?" before his last words were drowned by his snoring.
Some regional congress administrations have supported this move with Vilasrao Deshmukh legalising all slums built by Left Handers. A few organisations like the National Right handed weavers have actually claimed that they were orignally left handed but were forced to change to the right owing to the system and hence should qualify for this. Some hitherto neutral organisations like The Mumbai Rickshaw Drivers association have stated that even though they might have obtained their driving license on the basis of the Playstation 2 skills, they are actually closet left handed people, so much so that even when they want to turn right, they still signal left and decided to go on a strike to ask for their right to be left.
The IIT and IIM directors met at a meeting in Delhi to confabulate on this topic before they realised that no one in the media was really sure what "confabulate" meant . They have now decided to merely discuss and then directly submit their findings to a high powered shredding machine in Delhi, in order to save some time. The UPA government spokesman further said , "Ensuring primary education for all people might be a good form of ensuring social justice but it takes too much time and brings in too few votes. The UPA government as a part of it's manifesto is committed to rapid social justice before anything else....even if it happens to be left handed"
Ujwala Bayaji
PTI
The official bill would be signed soon by the PM's office ....with his left hand. Predictably, the Communist parties cheered this announcement saying that "We have been on the left for years and it is time the system is set right....I mean left....no Sorry ...I mean right....well may be left, AWW What the... any side will do as long it is not the American one" . This was a move which was long overdue and if the parliament had not held it's seasonal sessions throwing flower pots at each other, it would have been passed right back when V P Singh was still the prime minister and Lata Mangeshkar could actually still sing in the sonic frequency range. This move is not totally unexpected. Indeed before enjoying comparisons with another hugely popular figure , Homer Simpson, ex Prime Minister V P Singh had actually considered reservation for left handers but made it as a second priority as with it, it would have taken just too long to screw up a nation.
While fielding questions from the media at the press conference, the UPA government defended the decision saying that this reservation is not applicable for a creamy layer. It applies only to those who are born left handed and not those who are all left hands like Parthiv Patel. Also, this will exclude those left handers who think they are always right e.g Saurav Ganguly, Mahesh Bhatt etc. Amongst the first few bodies to react, the Left Handed Albino employees Union have welcomed this move saying that this move is the correct step on the direction to ensure quotas for the left handed Albino employees family members . For generations, they claimed that left handers have been oppressed by the right handers. There are many instances in history when the non left handed just came down with a heavy hand on the left just because they had the right. Many ancient Indian leaders like Akbar, Ashoka, Jyoti Basu etc were all right handed. The left handed were not given by due by the society to date that even 50 years after independence , there exist places in states like Bihar where the left handed are not even permitted to kidnap or kill people. Even traditionally, left handers were depicted by media as pure evil i.e. Ravi Shastri etc.
Political parties in the opposition have reacted differrently . BJP leaders promised to take a rath yatra first before visiting the issue. Jayalalitha promptly unveiled a statue of herself at the Meenakshi temple. Shiv Sena Supremos insisted that unless all Maharastrians were classified as left handed , he will ask his loyal Sainiks who numbered 7 at the time of going to the press, to burn a few trains( headed out of state). However if they are classified, the Shiv Sena will unlilaterally volunteer to restrict itself to looting shops belonging to right handers. TDP leaders announced a left handed technoclogy park and made a SWOT analysis and a statistical model about the impact of this move and announced the the formation of a sub commitee which will explore the advantages of making a powerpoint presentation using only the left hand. Dewe Gowda after a brief period of confusion in trying to differentiate between the right and the left , finally managed to get a few moments with the press and reacted , "What about the left handed farmers ?" before his last words were drowned by his snoring.
Some regional congress administrations have supported this move with Vilasrao Deshmukh legalising all slums built by Left Handers. A few organisations like the National Right handed weavers have actually claimed that they were orignally left handed but were forced to change to the right owing to the system and hence should qualify for this. Some hitherto neutral organisations like The Mumbai Rickshaw Drivers association have stated that even though they might have obtained their driving license on the basis of the Playstation 2 skills, they are actually closet left handed people, so much so that even when they want to turn right, they still signal left and decided to go on a strike to ask for their right to be left.
The IIT and IIM directors met at a meeting in Delhi to confabulate on this topic before they realised that no one in the media was really sure what "confabulate" meant . They have now decided to merely discuss and then directly submit their findings to a high powered shredding machine in Delhi, in order to save some time. The UPA government spokesman further said , "Ensuring primary education for all people might be a good form of ensuring social justice but it takes too much time and brings in too few votes. The UPA government as a part of it's manifesto is committed to rapid social justice before anything else....even if it happens to be left handed"
Ujwala Bayaji
PTI
Friday, March 10, 2006
UNDERSTANDING MEN
"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a
real babe."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but
will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more
outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"
"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned
response.
"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."
"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a
real babe."
"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum
cleaner."
"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"
"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."
"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner
was a real babe."
"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but
will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."
"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"
"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you
just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."
"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me,
and realize it could be worse."
"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more
outfit, I'm starving."
"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
A Woman's Vocabulary, Keywords and Meanings (as taken from an interview with a woman)
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument in which we feel we are right, but need to shut you up. NEVER use 'Fine' to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those
arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay
content.
OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble.
Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is "Fine"
when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead-in to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and a "Go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before visiting on you major retribution and tribulations for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is
giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
Okay".
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
FINE
This is the word we use at the end of any argument in which we feel we are right, but need to shut you up. NEVER use 'Fine' to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those
arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five
minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it's an even trade.
NOTHING
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing"
usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (with raised eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman
getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".
GO AHEAD (normal eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in
about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is still often a
verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft
Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay
content.
OH
This word followed by any statement is trouble.
Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night". If she says "Oh" before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit.
She will tell you that she is "Fine"
when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead-in to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows and a "Go ahead," followed by acts so unspeakable that I can't bring myself to write about them.
THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a
woman can say to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before visiting on you major retribution and tribulations for what ever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go Ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is
giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the
truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's
Okay".
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you're welcome.
THANKS A LOT
This is much different than "Thanks". A woman will
say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud
Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".
What Women Want
What I Want in a Man, Original List (age 22):
1 Handsome
2 Charming
3 Financially successful
4 A caring listener
5 Witty
6 In good shape
7 Dresses with style
8 Appreciates finer things
9 Full of thoughtful surprises
10 An imaginative, romantic lover.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1 Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2 Opens car doors, holds chairs
3 Has enough money for a nice dinner
4 Listens more than talks
5 Laughs at my jokes
6 Carries bags of groceries with ease
7 Owns at least one tie
8 Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9 Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10 Seeks romance at least once a week.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1 Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2 Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3 Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4 Nods head when I'm talking
5 Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6 Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7 Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8 Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9 Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10 Shaves most weekends.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1 Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2 Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3 Doesn't borrow money too often
4 Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5 Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6 Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7 Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8 Appreciates a good TV dinner
9 Remembers my name on occasion
10 Shaves some weekends.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1 Doesn't scare small children
2 Remembers where bathroom is
3 Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4 Only snores lightly when asleep
5 Remembers why he's laughing
6 Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7 Usually wears clothes
8 Likes soft foods
9 Remembers where he left his teeth
10 Remembers that it's the weekend.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1 Breathing
2 Doesn't miss the toilet
1 Handsome
2 Charming
3 Financially successful
4 A caring listener
5 Witty
6 In good shape
7 Dresses with style
8 Appreciates finer things
9 Full of thoughtful surprises
10 An imaginative, romantic lover.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32):
1 Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2 Opens car doors, holds chairs
3 Has enough money for a nice dinner
4 Listens more than talks
5 Laughs at my jokes
6 Carries bags of groceries with ease
7 Owns at least one tie
8 Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9 Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10 Seeks romance at least once a week.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42):
1 Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2 Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3 Works steady -- splurges on dinner out occasionally
4 Nods head when I'm talking
5 Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6 Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7 Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8 Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9 Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10 Shaves most weekends.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52):
1 Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2 Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3 Doesn't borrow money too often
4 Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5 Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6 Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7 Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8 Appreciates a good TV dinner
9 Remembers my name on occasion
10 Shaves some weekends.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62):
1 Doesn't scare small children
2 Remembers where bathroom is
3 Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4 Only snores lightly when asleep
5 Remembers why he's laughing
6 Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7 Usually wears clothes
8 Likes soft foods
9 Remembers where he left his teeth
10 Remembers that it's the weekend.
What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72):
1 Breathing
2 Doesn't miss the toilet
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
Saturday, March 04, 2006
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